instant responses for mothers of many

when i got married, my brother gave my husband a cassette tape with taped responses to questions i might ask my husband during our marriage. (yes, i just said cassette tape. for those of you younger than 30, google it.) during the speech my brother gave at our wedding, he explained how the cassette was to be used. as my husband and i were lying on the beach and a beautiful woman walked past, all my husband would have to do is push play and it would say, "no hunny, she is not prettier than you."

this tape was filled will several fantastic tidbits. "you're butt does not look big in those pants." "whatever you want to do, dear." you get the picture.

i've decided i need a similar recorded device to respond to all the comments i get from people when they find out i have five kids. once strangers wipe the look of horror or shock off of their faces and finish counting and recounting my children, the comments and questions are usually one of ten. my responses are usually some variation of the ones here, usually with some version of a smile on my face once i wipe the shock or horror from my own face at people's lack of filters. here is what my recording would say if i had one. it might just work for mothers of big families everywhere.

• "no, i don't want to have my own reality t.v. show." seriously, people?

• "yes, they are all mine." do we normally take other people's children to the grocery store?

• "no, i do not homeschool" i'm not sure where big families became synonymous with homeschooling but, nope....happily send those babies on the bus each morning and pick them up each afternoon.

• "yes, i am busy." duh.

• "yes, i do believe in birth control. it is totally appropriate to ask that question too, especially in front of my children. i'm so glad you asked."

• "yes, i have a t.v. in my bedroom." when you have five kids your sex life is open for discussion in the line at target....just in case you were wondering.

• "yes, i know how it happens." ...and open for discussion at the movies, the dentist, the drug store...

• "yes, they were all planned." this is just the discussion you want to have in front of your five children. kids: "mommy, what did that man mean, 'were we all planned?'" me: "who wants candy?"

• "i don't know how i do it either. i'm pretty sure i've blocked whole chunks for time from my memory." people do amazing things every day. surely parenting five kids can't top the list.

• "i would have to say, better me than anyone who doesn't want kids. it's actually a pretty great life and i'm amazingly happy. don't knock it 'til you've tried it." what other answer is there?

cheers to all you moms of big families everywhere...for pasting a smile on your face and answering all the inappropriate questions and comments and then some.